First day off and my god I feel shit. I feel constantly sick, but hungry. But when I try and eat, my body won’t allow it. I have the shakes, I am boiling hot, but also freezing cold. My head feels like it is 5 minutes behind my body at all times. I could cry at the slightest thing (and I have). I have tried to be sick and can’t. I have invested in a multitude of ginger related items and vitamins from Holland and Barrett, in fact, I swear they issued us some shares as a thank you on the way out. I am exhausted, like dragging my feet exhausted, and then when I go to try and sleep, my brain is like PARTY OVER HEEERE. I feel angry and irritable and negative about everything and everybody.
I get home from an exhausting day at work, to the dog who has wrecked the entire house – pissed all over his bed (and the carpet) in the living room, chewed up a plastic sword, eaten almost an entire roll of wrapping paper, snotted all over a full length mirror, screwed up all the blankets on the sofa, knocked his food bowl over and after he’d done all this, then managed to shut himself in an upstairs bedroom. FML.
I start to tidy up and then just collapse in a heap, weeping and sobbing that I can’t do this. The dog curls himself around me tightly and sighs, those big brown minstrel eyes staring into my very soul. Willing me on. So that’s what I do. Just get on with it.
Husband brings me home some flowers and a bag of goodies from Holland and Barrett, my amazing sister delivers me all the ginger favoured tea she can find and some multi-vits, I have a potato waffle and toast and peanut butter for tea and the window cleaners have been, so you can see through our windows for the first time in 12 months – there’s always a silver lining. We watch two crap Netflix documentaries under blankets and ignore the washing up and housework. And we’re in bed before 10pm.
Day One Completed. Day Two looms. And life keeps on turning.
Today I am back on my medication.
I sprint out of bed and swallow down the pill, desperate to feel “normal” after yesterday, I start the task of taking my many vitamins – ginger root (for the nausea), evening primrose oil (for the moods) and woman multi vits. I feel as If I will be rattling by the end of the day.
I feel woozy and completely shattered. I go to the shop on the way to work and buy chicken broth and bread buns, to soothe my growling stomach at lunch. Today I don’t feel sick, just empty, like I haven’t had a good feed for a week.
My day is canny though, I perk up and feel pretty energetic, I manage my workload no bother, don’t feel even remotely emotional, eat food like I normally would and feel pretty happy.
I head to fat class and weigh in. Lose 1.5lbs! Result! I come back from walking the dog and feel motivated to make sure my next day off tablet goes well. I plan my next days food to a tee, making sure I take all the things that will settle my tummy if needs be – bread, bananas, rice cakes, ginger nuts (not strictly tummy settlers, but they taste ace), I pack into my bag all the ginger tea, peppermint tea and peppermint tablets I can find and I’m in bed feeling ready for Day three by 10pm.
I’m a little bit surprised at how chirpy I feel today. I thought I’d wake up with a stomach full of dread, instead I wake up happy and hungry!
By 1pm I’m starting to flag, the nausea is creeping in and I am so tired. I swallow down some peppermint tablets and head to make some more tea.
By 3pm I feel like my head is swimming, I am so dizzy and exhausted and I can barely string together sentences. I cling to the thought of leaving work at 4.30pm.
I have a manic night doing various things and drag myself to bed in a teary heap at 9pm.
Today my main feelings are EMOTION. I cry for no reason whilst trying to put on my make-up and I can’t stop. I attempt to cancel all my weekend plans as I genuinely feel like a failure at life. I am dog tired and just want to crawl into my bed and never get up.
Some amazing people in my life come along and tell me I need to start looking after me and that means letting people help. My control freak instincts kick in, telling me I’m an awful person for not just being stronger and I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. I HATE feeling weak, helpless and I especially hate not being able to look after everyone in my life. But right now I don’t have the energy to argue.
I head to work and eat a ton of stuff I shouldn’t, just because my body needs proper fuel.
I get home and my friends arrive for the bank holiday weekend, as does a pile of shopping from Tesco. I feel a bit overwhelmed, tired but relieved that I now have three whole days away from work. My sister has left me a vase of beautiful flowers.
I manage to eat a full meal and go to bed at a normal time!
Spend the day feeling completely exhausted and headachey. Eat lots of lovely food, watch lots of trashy TV and snooze. Feel like a vampire as spend most of the day with the curtains closed in the living room, but the brightness hurts my whole body.
Sicky feelings seem to have all but disappeared thanks to the ginger root, so I’m pretty much able to eat normally. Just feel dizzy and woozy in the head, like I’m walking through fog. Find it hard to get across what I’m trying to say, like the words just won’t come to me.
Wake up to my lovely friends who have cleaned the kitchen, done the washing up and baked some chocolate banana bread. Feel so good. The sun is shining, we are all off to the beach and I finally feel some kind of normality.
I have a bit of a moment in the car to the beach where I lose my temper at Chris for “not doing enough”. I know I am being completely unreasonable, but my emotions take over. I feel like the worst person afterwards, but also better, like a load has been lifted. Chris seems to understand, bless him.
The walk does me good, the dog is well behaved, we all laugh and take pictures, eat icecream and I feel like the luckiest soul alive.
Today is a good day.
Feel constantly dizzy today, but battle through. We start the day well, all out walking at a local park in the sunshine, chatting about nothing.
We try to go out to a local family fun day but it is a bit of a disaster – lots of stress, it’s cold and busy and just massively too much for my foggy brain. By 4pm I am feeling completely wiped out. Finish making tea, have a little cry in the kitchen for absolutely no reason and then just slob in front of the tv for a couple of hours. Head up to bed before 10pm.
I feel like I should be writing some huge essay about what this last week has been like. But it would feel a bit…over the top. Because it has mostly been a big pile of shit. Hard, emotional, physically exhausting. I have doubted myself and my decision so many times. I have shouted and cried and generally been hard work. And I still have a massive journey ahead of me.
So instead I’m just going to keep on keeping on and I know that those amazing people in my life that have helped pick me up this week, will also do the same.