5 years ago we were supposed to have said goodbye to you mum, but honestly, I never feel like I did.
Normally when you say that to someone, you know it’s only temporary, that you’ll be seeing them again soon enough. No one tells you how to say goodbye when it’s forever, when you’re never going to see them again, no one tells you how to say it when you really don’t want to. How do you even go about that?!
And that’s the thing, I’ve never said goodbye, because actually I don’t want to, not ever. Why should I? You might not physically be here anymore but I often feel you’re with me – I see it in photos of us 3, in our smiles, our expressions, in the way we say things; in certain smells – washing powder, ciggies, coffee; in the weather; watching something on TV that I know you loved – Bake off or Strictly, or a cheesy murder mystery; when I find myself “singing” completely different lyrics to a song and anytime I’m meant to be following a recipe and I just decide to make it up as I go along.
I am you, in so many ways. That brings me a lot of comfort. And pain. So on this occasion I’m boycotting the idea that I have to say goodbye.
Bemma Bell 